A few jokes

[+Colibri]

There was once a bus conductor, and he had really bad anger management problems, One day a woman on the bus refused to pay the fare. Well, the bus conductor got so angry he killed her. He was tried and sentenced to death by the electric chair.

The day for his execution came, and they took him out of his cell and brought him to the chair. The guard said, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.

The guards rewired the chair and tested it a few times, and it worked perfectly. They brought the man back and said, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.

Well, the guards bought a brand new electric chair. This one was amazing: leather seats, gold-plated armrests studded with rubies, the works. It was an incredible sight.

They brought the man back and asked, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened.

Now, in this particular state, there was a law that if someone survived the electric chair three times, he must be set free. So the man was released, and as soon as he stepped out of the prison, the press was all over him. He walked through the crowd and the flashing cameras until he saw a small man who asked, "Have you discovered some miraculous phenomenon of unripe green bananas?"

"No," he replied, "I've just always been a bad conductor."

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I just wanted to take the time to type this joke out for the funny section. It?s just too good to pass up.

There?s a man in his mid forties, who?s been married to his wife for almost twenty years. He?s been complaining to her lately about their sex life not being on par with what it used to be and said he was willing to do anything he could to help improve their sex life. Being a lawyer he was all about details and said he would like to have sex one time per day for the rest of their lives.

His wife thought about the proposition for a moment and said, ?I?ll do you one better? if you have something in the driveway for me tomorrow morning that goes from zero to two hundred in under six seconds, I will have sex with you any way you want it, two times per day for the rest of our lives.?

The man thought about this for a moment, gave his wife a perplexed look and said, ?Done?.

The next morning the man was at work, telling his friends all about their problem and how happy he was to have a solution. Shortly afterwards his wife woke up and took a shower, walked down the stairs after getting dressed and noticed a note sitting on the counter. The note read ?I cannot wait to see you tonight dear, please check the driveway. I love you always. From, Me?. The woman was instantly excited, ran to the window and looked out onto the driveway only to see a box sitting there.

The woman was extremely confused, walked outside and stared at the box for a moment. On the box there was a sticker that said ?To my wife with love?. She quickly picked the box up and took it inside. Once inside she opened the box up and placed it?s contents on the counter. She stared at it for a few moments and began to boil over with anger. She then picked up the phone and called her husband. Her husband answered the phone in a very cheery voice and said ?Hello? to which she replied ?Thanks for the new scale asshole!?



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When you die and go to Heaven

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: ?When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first??

Suzy raised her hand and said: ?I think it?s your hands!?

?Why do you think it?s your hands, Suzy? ?

Suzy replied: ?Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes you hands first. ?

?What a wonderful answer! ? the nun said.

Little Roy Sullivan raised his hand and said: ?Sister, I think it?s your legs!?

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

?Now, Roy, why do you think it would be your legs? ?

Little Roy said:?Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy?s bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, ?Oh God, I?m coming! ? If Dad hadn?t pinned her down, we?d have lost her.?

The nun promptly fainted.